I hear a death cult in my mind. But let me preface this a little. I write fiction. I talk openly about my disability to inspire other frenics and their families and people interested in hearing voices. But I am first and foremost a fiction writer. And the characters in my head are fake. SO when they blow each other up, I laugh a little, and write a little. But i’ve learned to no longer be afraid. It’s something akin to producing a movie with audio queues; it takes some getting used to. But hearing voices can actually be, well, fun.
To reiterate: I’m the type of schizophrenic who hears voices and is often paranoid. I call my voices “emulations” because they sound like they’re real, they even sound like dead people and celebrities sometimes – but they’re not.
One long-standing nuance in my mind has been the formation of a “Death Cult”, which, if this were a game, which admittedly, I designed it to be one, then “Death Cult” would be a talent specialization, in the vein of World Of Warcraft.
This Death Cult, in my mind, blows it’s members up on my behalf. Why? I don’t know but it’d make a damned good novel. I consider myself a villians writer. I write bad guys all the time. They blow things up. Some of them even spew obscenities – I’m inspired by the “evil voices” In my head and turned these bad voices into a win. They inspire me to write, well, “evil characters”.
The Death Cult members need to “get to heaven” i.e. die. And they vye for my attention to do so.
I won’t get into much detail about how this works. But they seem to constantly have a “Death Wish” debuff and are guild members of an ancient “Death Cult” with myself as the “G-d” or figurehead. This they refer to as their “ancient custom”. They claim being members of the cult goes back in thier family for centuries and proudly trace their heritage back some. Perhaps loved ones, siblings, fathers, mothers, have also died in this way.
Why did my mind come up with this? Certainly I am therefore very ill. But I’m also highly creative. Who says hearing voices can’t be fun? I mean sometimes the voices are dark, gory and gruesome, and abrasively rude. But this all makes for good fiction. They SOUND real; and try to convince me that they are. And that’s valuable to me as a fiction writer.
More to come.
note: I play a modified version of Dungeons and Dragons with the voices in my head, in my own homebrew setting, called “Alternate Earth”. Crime and Terror is pretty common in Alternate Earth, and innocent people get blown up often. Meh. More fodder for my fiction.
Here’s the wierd thing about my life. I live in a perpetual Hell, but never in Heaven, because the voices in my head oppose everything I think.
People who don’t hear voices are automatically never opposed by said voices, because they don’t hear voices: They’re in Heaven by default.
But to make my way back and forth between this Heaven or Hell, I must be in some kind of purgatory. Either that, or I am G-d of my own mind and imagination: creator of all the voices, as I often say.
I like to claim that I’m a neutral G-d; nicknamed: Neutral G.; Neither Good, Nor Evil; but rather, inbetween; rather: Neutral instead.
So in this purgatory I am often opposed by voices I created. Therefore I am often in Hell. But wait a minute, how do I get back to never hearing voices, and never being opposed by them – how do I get back into Heaven?
These rough drafts, ideas, or notes, are the subject of my autobiography; a biopic of a schizophrenic mind.
(This post is about hearing voices – I’m a paranoid schizophrenic).
Everything stems from my opposition theory – the theory that everything I do is probably opposed by the voices in my head.
Like blondes? “no to blondes – sleep with a brunette”. and so forth. But why? Why be opposed? Why hate me and everything I do?
I then realized something. I’m technically in Hell, the voices are opposed to everything I do, and one day, I might faction change and/or make it to heaven, where the voices don’t oppose at all.
This begs the question: Are people who don’t hear voices at all: automatically in Heaven, since they’re technically not opposed by voices?
At any rate: two diametrically opposed factions, Heaven and Hell: in fact, two diametrically opposed choices, is frequently what I’m dealing with when I talk to the voices.
This opposition theory, or theory of classification, places me in Hell at all hours. Any hordies / gifted subs in the chat/audience? If so, See my patreon.
The voices say hi.
Now for my theory of disbelief: “I dont/won’t believe you” as a typical response. And why would you? I am, after all, theoretically insane. (Wait – are ‘frenics even insane? Dont’ quote me).
I theorize. And often, I fail.
Catch you on the flip side.
Today I squatted a plate on either side of an olympic barbell. The barbell weighs 45 lb; a plate on either side weighs another 45 lb x 2; That’s 135 lb!
I blew past this milestone with a full set – didnt even sweat it, and will be adding even more weight to the bar next session, as per my program. I don’t feel like a total amateur now – and I’m just 3 weeks into my lifting career. Talk about newbie / beginner gains! I started with just the bar about 3 weeks ago!
Thank you to the stronglifts 5×5 program. When I plateau i’ll move to the madcow 5×5 program and see how I like it.
I was also reccomended Phrak’s Greyskull Variant LP for beginners, according to reddit. But I opted to stay with stronglifts into madcow. Ultimately, doing compound excercises until you plateau is probably a good idea, especially when you’re a newbie, so that your whole body gets progressively stronger.
In the first few weeks i’ve seen tremendous gains; I’m also close to benching a plate and on my way to squatting two plates on either side.
I also deadlifted a plate on either side – for not one but 3 sets. I need to up the weight by 20 lb next time I deadlift.
I’m a bigger guy – big-fat as I describe it (instead of skinny-fat); – but now I’m progressively building muscle so I’m pretty happy with my significant gains.
I realized right from the getgo that this was a lifestyle choice – that I needed to sleep properly and get my nutrition right if I wanted to progress quickly. I’m glad to see the gains, proof that my nutrition, calories, protein and sleep is probably okay.
Catch you on the flip side!
Steve Mini from the 6.
I might add 30+ lb of muscle in my first two years of working out. read on.
I’ve started working out. No, seriously. After about a year of dieting, which saw me dip from 272+ lb to 230ish; I decided the next step was to gain some muscle and lose even more weight. I decided to join the gym.
But what I didn’t realize is that pushing yourself hard in the weightroom, as a larger guy, only means that your weight might go up, because you’re now adding a bunch of muscle into the mix.
I lift three times a week. I started off extremely weak, and incrimentally added weight after every workout to the compound excercises i’ve been doing. Because newbie gains are well documented, you gain a large amount of strength and muscle in your first year, and that’s a fact. You can press yourself hard and recover quickly. After a day’s rest you’re already ready to lift even heavier weights.
I’m expecting to add about 2 lb of muscle per month. I’m a bigger guy, maybe I’m genetically predisposed, so maybe I’ll luck out and get a little more than that. That’s at least 24 lb in a year before newbie gains fade. In my second year I can expect maybe, on average, 1 lb of muscle a month. That’s still another 12+ lb of muscle. In two years I could have added 36+ lb of muscle. If I’ve lost a bunch of fat, I could look alot fitter in two years.
I mean, that’s the best case scenario, if i’m dieting and sleeping right, too and don’t give up on the gym.
I’ll keep you posted; it’s already been almost a month and the weights seem ever-heavier; everytime I go in the weight room i think to myself: How is it possible that I’m adding weight to an already heavy bar? But I always come out having lifted the weights and done the reps. Go figure.
I’m doing stronglifts 5×5; I’ll do madcow 5×5 afterward most likely. But Phrak’s Greyskull Variant LP seems to be, at least on the reddit forums “better than Stronglifts 5×5 for beginners” because it has some arms to it, and it has some volume to it. If I could start all over again, maybe I’d take reddit’s advice and do that program instead. As it stands, I think any newbie program full of compound lifts is probably fine; I hope i’m not wrong. The first 2-3 months will be stronglifts 5×5; I’ll switch to madcow 5×5 after that and see how I like it.
Keep you guys updated in a few weeks.
I’ve also limited my gaming because I need to sleep 7-9 hours. I used to only sleep 5-6 hours a night, and always felt refreshed and never tired. But now I’m forcing myself to sleep for 7+ hours whenever possible; I’ve cut out my game time of League Of Legends and World Of Warcraft at night. So I won’t be streaming much – and I’ll be sleeping more.
Oh hey to my subscribers – the voices in my head?
update: note: Newbie gains might only amount to ~2 lb of muscle / month for the first year, which seems more realistic. I might “only” gain 24 lb of muscle in the first year. I might be able to add another 1 lb of muscle / month in the second year. Mayhap 36+ lb of muscle over two years is more realistic. Still; I’m a big guy who packs on the weight easily; I feel like i’m genetically predisposed to making gains. Maybe I’m wrong. We’ll see in 2-3 months. I’ll keep you posted.
Inevitably, you meet people on all these dating apps. I prefer two of them myself: Tinder and Plenty Of Fish.
Tinder is a quality product: If this were a meat market, this would be the steak section. Great looking people with excellent photos, clean profiles, and witty comments. Unfortunately all those models you’re oggling come at a price: want unlimited likes? Want to know who liked you back? Be prepared to pay a hefty sum as a single dude for these invaluable services.
POF is the leftovers section, where people who might not meet your standards seem to want to communicate with you. And scammers. Lots and lots of scammers.
Scammers are on both dating apps, probably on all of them. “Visit my website!” proclaims a profile that just liked me. You have to wonder to yourself: Would you leave plenty of fish or tinder, or the app you’re using, just to visit another website to pickup a girl? Who would EVER do that? But apparently people might. I block the user and move on with my life.
Hey if oggling girls is your thing, tinder can’t be beat. on POF women look more normal, not scantily clad females in a luxury suite or by the pool or beach or in a bikini. On tinder there is skin. Lots and lots of skin. Sometimes, it makes you feel uncomfortable. Will these big bresthesthes want to chat with me? Or am I just a statistic, and a financial one at that? On tinder, women can seem crude and shallow. Not lookin’ too hot in your profile pics? Then nobody will chat with you. Can they tell you’re not technically wealthy? Then you’re probably out of luck. Unless your profile is THAT good. Mine surely isn’t.
Back on POF things are more relaxed. I’d like to think more POF women read your profile comments, but can’t be sure. Maybe they like your personality more. But: the bottom line: a picture tells a thousand words, on both sites, on any dating app for that matter, so pick your very best one, and put it in your profile. Have someone help out if you suck with cameras. Just editing your profile pic on your iphone can pay dividends. Nobody wants a crop shot of all the crap in the background – so blur the background a little. And style your hair. Saturate the colors if necessary. Make the picture pop.
All of this to chat with a lovely lady. The price we pay. So far: I’ve chatted with all of two women this week. I’ve probably liked hundreds of profile picks, to no avail. Am I ugly or just old? I mean i’m 42, don’t roll out the stretcher just yet.
But i’m curious to know: Why won’t all these scantily clad tinder women even bother to chat with me?
Maybe because I’m a broke dude living with a disability (Schizophrenia). Can they tell from the photo and blurb in my profile? I edit out personal information, and list only my hobbies. Like: Plays League Of Legends or World Of Warcraft. There. That should confuse them until they chat with me, distract them from the main course: That i’m something of a loser.
I try tinder for a week. I’m still single and chugging soylent twice a day at the end of the week. POF? I’ve actually managed to connect with 1 or 2 females – yes, you CAN meet them online, they’re just inadulated with dozens upon dozens of friend requests, messages, and, if they look half decent – and show some skin, which many do – then your tiny, small, sad, pathetic message, “let’s chat!” will be drowned out by the seemingly millions upon millions of other men messaging them. Some alot more financially secure, younger and better looking than you. It is what it is.
And when you do end up talking to these now-legendary beings, these females: You’re forced to concede. You’re a retired dude with a disability pension of some kind. Not a hot young alpha stud wanting to ravage women in his spiffy car.
Ah well. Maybe it’s a younger man’s game. Still 42 and single. Despite tinder and POF.
I’ll follow up with you in a week or two with another post. And see how i’m doing. Two leads look promising. Not skin models, though. I’ll have to concede.
I’ve decided to make the switch to World Of Warcraft, alliance-side, Emerald Dream (RP-PVP) server, US. Come join us. I’m a night-time strimmer/player, hopping on at around 9pm EST and playing till 2+am in the morning. I mostly PVP, and have a resto/balance Druid and a beast mastery/marksman Hunter that I enjoy. I also have a rogue on the server, but don’t play him much. (Battle.net add me: SteveMini #1687).
I’m also on Area 52 Horde-side, with my retired High Warlord Warlock and a Monk. But I no longer play horde much, so we’ll see. Might faction change / transfer them to Emerald Dream, but we’ll see how things go.
If you’re thinking of playing with us, we have a PVP guild on Emerald Dream server alliance-side. I’m thinkin’ some of us will run mythic+ keys sometimes, too, at least once a week, but we’ll see. Come check us out!
PS: What will happen with League Of Legends? I’m still willing to play LoL on the odd off-night sometimes, but not very often. I just prefer World Of Warcraft at this time. But I’ll play both!
For some reason though, my GPU crashes when streaming League Of Legends, but is fine when I play any other game. I have no idea why. This discourages me from playing/streaming League Of Legends, but we’ll see. I might take my rig in for a repair – it’s under a 4 year warranty I paid extra for – so they might give me a new GPU if it’s not working properly. I’ll try to stream League a few more times and see how it goes and see if it stll freezes or if it was a one-off. If it continues to freeze I might take it in for repairs or even do a fresh install of Windows 11, and see how that goes first.
But for now: Consider me a World Of Warcraft player from now on! Just like old times!
Bro. What. Is. This. Damage.
First of all his Q does % health damage. Like +12% at level 1. Secondly, his W is a taunt. Thirdly, his E is a charge/knock-up. Finally, he basically has a nearly-global ulti akin to pantheon’s. Only Galios ulti is an AoE CC? Are we being serious?
His passive is a huge chunk of damage and AoE. One of the great passives for pure raw damage dealing.
Tip: His Q is awesome for stealing objectives like the Dragon or Rift Herald, right over the wall! It lasts two seconds and can last-hit quite effectively.
This champ also has a good wave clear, with his passive + Q, meaning you can play him top, mid, or bottom in a pinch, though I’m not sure of his matchups. His MR shield makes him particularily potent against AP champions.
Bruh this support champion is so br0k3n. Why does he even have an MR shield? Just in case he wasn’t.
Galio Support. Try it today.
Permit me my inconsistency: I am not interested in either gender. Although I identify as straight and casual, I’ve realized something about sex: The less you have of it, the less you want it.
I used to be that guy. Go to a bar. Use dating apps. Meet up with lovely women and try to ravage the poor sods. Most obliged. I can be pleasant at times. And I’ve always wanted that. Women respect a man who asks for it politely, I suppose. Worked for me.
But nowadays, I’ve gravitated, even in my art, ever away from sex, and more toward whatever I think my adulthood inevitably should be. I’m 42 this year, and not getting any younger. The bottom line: I no longer even want intercourse, and I definitely don’t want a girlfriend. I don’t want sex. Heck I don’t even want to write about it in my fiction or think about it.
I’m fine with asexuality, and living alone. In fact, I prefer such a predicatment to all other outcomes. I’m a homebody and a recluse. I answer to no one but myself.
I can deal with a gen-z label: Asexuality. Sure, I’ll snag an old beau when I can, Asexuality be damned. Am I even Asexual, then? I mean, I’d probably allow a woman to proposition me for pleasure. No, friends, your Gen Z labels don’t apply. I’m done with sex. I’m something of a millennial, and don’t even bother with it anymore. I’m over it. I’m not even Asexual. I have no label. I’m a sexless moron.
And the worst thing about sex is that everybody wants you to have the child if it occurs. Oh hell no you are not going to get my offspring, lady. No to sex. Somebody else can have children and be a sucker. I’ll take my League Of Legends livestreaming at 2am in the morning over having children, any day. I want my free time all to myself.
God = Time
“I am not G-d;” saith the artist.
And therefore it was so
“Because I am G-d;” they concluded
And therefore it was not so at all.
-A paranoid Schizophrenic, to himself.
My opposition theory centers around faith, but in a different way, heretofore undefined. I find faith to be an intiger, the quality of which is often unreliable, but sometimes predictable. What if one does not believe in a supreme being? Does one not believe in himself?
Perhaps I should change my oft’ quoted line: “And: we’re all artists, else none of us ever were.”
to: “We’re all G-ds, else none of us ever were.”
One argument, often prevalent in literary art circles where one hears voices, is the erroneous conclusion that one hears “the voice of G-d speaking to him” which I find both factually hilarious and theoretically incorrect.
But let us assume, for a moment, that this fallacy is correct. If I hear G-d’s voice in my head, because I am a paranoid schizophrenic, wouldn’t that make me G-d hisself?
Certainly, therefore, I am ill and conjecture.
“I am not G-d at all” I tell the voices, so that they might accept that I needn’t be. (Very ‘frenic. Very suave).
But what if the voices disagree? I’ve thought very little on this, and conjecture. Some humorous responses and conclusions, which I shall keep to myself for the moment.
“The G-d Paradox: The Not-G-d Theory/Debate” -Steve Mini from the 6.