sample #2 with notes.
The man in the black kimono waited for the elf king to die with honor, and even offered him a knife, to carve out his guts and incriminate himself.
“Here, have my dagger, it can hasten your untimely death”.
The elf king smiled. He fell to his knees and conserved his strength. He did not want to die quickly.
“For four hundred years, no elf has died in a war. Our magic and our solitude have kept us safe. How are you so certain I will die?”
At that, the man in the black kimono lifted his unsheathed sword, a great bastard looking sword, longer than the common kitana of his people. He wielded it in both hands and grasped the long, glittering, jeweled hilt in both hands.
“This sword … is magick. There is a demon in it. It thirsts for elven blood.”
The elf looked at his wounds, mere glances, yet already, black bile had magically surrounded the wounds. He thought briefly on the situation.
“What is this? Magical Poison?”
“I die without honor, therefore.”
Suddenly, there were tears in the man in the black kimono’s eyes.
“We were too cocky…” he stated, as a matter of fact.
“Tell me…” the Elf King said, suddenly strong again, though only briefly. Then, he felt rather tired, and with one hand on the ground, sat himself down to die.
“Who gave you this sword? Was it an elf? I would know his name.”
It was the man in the black kimono’s turn to smile.
“The time for talking is over. Now that you’re kneeling down, I might behead you, and save you some small dignity.”
“Tell me! Tell me his name! Who gave you this sword?”
The Elf King thought on his short reign – several millennia, during which he had not fathered a son. Ever elusive and rather difficult… He only had one daughter …
“There will be a war, a-now…” he trailed off, and spat black blood.
“Promise me, stranger. Do not kill my daughter.” Black blood gathered at the corners of his mouth. He spat.
“She is the last of her kind … mayhaps, one day, she might have a son …”
The man in the black kimono was wary.
“Promise me! And I offer you my head.”
“Very well.“You have my word. The Kuroki clan will never harm her.”
The man in the black kimono did not say these words lightly, and took his promise to heart.
But the elf was clearly dying and took no heed, though he tried to smile. He was foaming at the mouth. A vile cloud of black surrounded his wounds. He retched as the magick of the blade ate at his innards.
“Are you ready?” the man in the black kimono said, and, not wanting to spare him any more dignity, without further warning and with one brief strike, the man in the black Kimono beheaded him.
Notes: April 27-28. 12:15am+
I like the idea for this scene: but I find that the dialogue could probably use a polish. Just a grazing wound kills the elf king. I want to emphasize that a little more. Things I’m looking to work on: perhaps show the fight scene, which I tend to avoid for now. I find fight scenes awesome in movies, but awful in books. I sped up the action and only ever showed the conclusion. It’s short, concise and tries to be to the point. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the writing, well, kinda sucks. But the idea is good. On to the next scene, the next idea, and we’ll leave this for subsequent drafts for sure (I’m a man of two, three and even four drafts. I’m just getting ideas down for now and I’ll polish in the subsequent drafts).
The Good: The man in the black kimono sounds badass and should be mysterious, with a demon sword no-less.
The Bad: The elf king slouches over and dies like a wuss.
The Ugly: I write quickly, and don’t care for errors. On to the next scene, and I’ll fix this in subsequent drafts once I have a complete story of many scenes.
Written: Wednesday 27 April 2022. 11:40pm+ “Thursday Morning”
2.0 “notes for subsequent drafts”
-The elf king retched. “Die with dignity!”
-possible alternative: “His soul exited his mouth and entered the Demon Sword’s blade.”
-“This is my avatar: my host. I am older than the oldest elven king” the demon blade spoke in his head.
I like the idea of a talking sword. Many magical weapons talk in my stories, especially those of some importance. This is a throwback to old-school Dungeons and Dragons, I suppose. I might expand on this … theme?