I hear a death cult in my mind. But let me preface this a little. I write fiction. I talk openly about my disability to inspire other frenics and their families and people interested in hearing voices. But I am first and foremost a fiction writer. And the characters in my head are fake. SO when they blow each other up, I laugh a little, and write a little. But i’ve learned to no longer be afraid. It’s something akin to producing a movie with audio queues; it takes some getting used to. But hearing voices can actually be, well, fun.
To reiterate: I’m the type of schizophrenic who hears voices and is often paranoid. I call my voices “emulations” because they sound like they’re real, they even sound like dead people and celebrities sometimes – but they’re not.
One long-standing nuance in my mind has been the formation of a “Death Cult”, which, if this were a game, which admittedly, I designed it to be one, then “Death Cult” would be a talent specialization, in the vein of World Of Warcraft.
This Death Cult, in my mind, blows it’s members up on my behalf. Why? I don’t know but it’d make a damned good novel. I consider myself a villians writer. I write bad guys all the time. They blow things up. Some of them even spew obscenities – I’m inspired by the “evil voices” In my head and turned these bad voices into a win. They inspire me to write, well, “evil characters”.
The Death Cult members need to “get to heaven” i.e. die. And they vye for my attention to do so.
I won’t get into much detail about how this works. But they seem to constantly have a “Death Wish” debuff and are guild members of an ancient “Death Cult” with myself as the “G-d” or figurehead. This they refer to as their “ancient custom”. They claim being members of the cult goes back in thier family for centuries and proudly trace their heritage back some. Perhaps loved ones, siblings, fathers, mothers, have also died in this way.
Why did my mind come up with this? Certainly I am therefore very ill. But I’m also highly creative. Who says hearing voices can’t be fun? I mean sometimes the voices are dark, gory and gruesome, and abrasively rude. But this all makes for good fiction. They SOUND real; and try to convince me that they are. And that’s valuable to me as a fiction writer.
More to come.
note: I play a modified version of Dungeons and Dragons with the voices in my head, in my own homebrew setting, called “Alternate Earth”. Crime and Terror is pretty common in Alternate Earth, and innocent people get blown up often. Meh. More fodder for my fiction.
