Conversations With Myself: “I am not in your mind…”

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Thank you for all the comments. About 4,000 comments so far. I know some of you wonder about what it’s like hearing voices. Here’s a little sample.

I heard another curious voice today (Sometimes I get a little paranoid. I’m schizophrenic).

The voice tried to explain to me that nobody is in my mind.

It went a little something like this.


“Nobody is in your mind. I’m not in your mind. But if I was in your mind, and heard all this nonsense, about war and telepathy, I’d probably call a cop. Therefore, I am not in your mind. Nobody is in your mind. Nobody home.”

The voices curiously tried to explain to me that nobody is in my mind.

I suppose therefore that I am ill.

But conversations go a little something like this, for those curious.

“So you’re telling me that nobody is in my mind? Then why do I hear voices?”

“Because you’re ill. Paranoid Schizophrenia.”

“So I’m not a telepathic mutant?”

“Nope. and furthermore: Nobody is in your mind. If I were in your mind, I’d call a cop.”

I thought about this a little, and realized that I myself would not have contacted the police at all.

“I’m a little anti-authority and would make a good anarchist. No to the police.” I quipped.

I then elaborated: “So just who are these voices in my head? Will they ever be me, and think like me? Or will we disagree? Do they have their own construction, their own authority, as I’ve claimed elsewhere, in my theories … an authority which I reject, by the way … or are they their own characters, their own fictitious works of literature? For, I am an artist, self-professed, and an English literature undergrad. And I’d like one badguy a week, if you so please. So talk to me, and be evil … I won’t mind. I am ill. I’m a writer.

But, badguy, you are evil, and I’m not good. And our alignment is a secret to everybody else. You’re a badguy. and goodguy/badguy group is an invention of mine; perhaps even, a fiction, a story, a tale, a novel. When I tell you to go to hell, you certainly do. And I meet you there. Even though right at this moment we’re standing in Heaven … and so forth. So on whose authority but my own do you decide nobody is in my mind?”

“I am you and you’re not me.” The voice quips, quizzically and paradoxically. I’ll have to think on that one, and write a little rant or theory about it later. For now I reject it’s sentience. And return to creating League Of Legends Content.

These sometimes circular arguments are dissertations in and of themselves; and I don’t have the wherewithal nor the knowledge to write them eloquently. I don’t write often about my voices, but I know one thing. I reject their authority, consider them all bad guys or evil, and in general, laugh about their incredulous claims, for example, that I am somehow their G-d, since I created them… and that I am the rightful heir and emperor of modern earth, and so forth. It’s a slippery slope. The voices should never be believed or trusted. That’s my take on Schizophrenia, y’all. That’s why many medical people have said to me: Try not to even hear voices in the first place. Take your meds to inhibit them. (I’m on a 3-month injection cycle).

The truth is: I don’t mind hearing voices. I never believe them and never trust them. They’re fodder for my fiction and theories. In an odd, sort of abusive way, I’ve come to empathyse and sympathise with my voices, even if they call me a n-word and a jew. (My family was from Greece in Europe. I’m a white Christian Secular Canadian so I have no idea what they’re on about – they even call me a fag sometimes, though as far as I know i’m straight and not attracted to men). They even tell me to die or do others harm sometimes, which is the worst-case scenario of voices. When you get those, you consider hospitalization. I try to ignore these voices, and avoid hospitalization at times.

But sometimes, it seems like I’m in an abusive relationship with myself.


Author: Steve Mini

I'm a disabled streamer who hears voices and is diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I play hearthstone and create unique decks which I post on my blog and play on my stream. I'm also an intellectual of sorts and a part-time undergrad studying English literature at a prestigious local university. I'm rather humble, recycle everything, stay home and caregive, and play video games. I am known for never driving a car and keeping a low carbon footprint. I'm allowed to raise an extra 10k in donations per year according to the rules of my ODSP pension without being penalized.

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